I was totally minding my own business, I swear. I was at a bar I hadn't been to in a long time when I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a long time. He's a nice enough guy, I suppose, but I don't even know him well enough or see him often enough to say that, really. And maybe that's it. Maybe he's just a really shitty person who spends too much time on Facebook and I never realized it til now.
So there I am, ordering (another) glass of Chardonnay, minding my own business, when he finds me and we exchange those general pleasantries about why we're both at the same bar at the same time while we wait for our drinks to be served. "But Krista! Shouldn't you be traveling somewhere? Your Facebook page always says you're traveling. That must be hard, always being away from home."
"I quite like it actually. The hardest part is that I haven't found a hotel bed that's as comfortable as my bed at home. But I've only been away for four weeks so far this year, so it's not so bad."
"That must be hard for your social life though. I mean, I've been on your Facebook page and all you ever talk about is traveling and work. You must not have a social life at all. I never see you talking about your friends in Chicago. You must not have any friends in Chicago. That must be hard for you..."
"I mean, I spend quite a lot of time following you on Facebook. You never post any photos of you and any friends and you never talk about any of your friends at all. I think you really need to prioritize your social life. You don't want to look back a few years from now and think about all the time you've wasted."
But damnit! My Facebook stalker (and, dare I say it, jackass) has turned around and walked away on that parting shot. I haven't even had a chance to respond. And to follow him across the bar and even attempt a discourse...well that's desperation, isn't it?
Because I have rules about friends and photos on Facebook. Well, really, I only have one main rule:
DON'T POST ANY PHOTOS OF ANY PEOPLE YOU KNOW ON ANY FACEBOOK PAGE!
1. The people in all of your photos look like movie stars. Or maybe they are movie stars. Like Ryan Gosling.
2. Your friends have given you their explicit permission to post said photos.
3. It is someone's wedding day and the bride has given you the official photographer's photos.
4. 1, 2, and 3 PLUS NO ONE IS BREASTFEEDING.
Because all it takes is one Facebook photo in the wrong place at the wrong time and someone could lose their job or their husband/wife or maybe get sent to Promises or Betty Ford or someplace like that. Or maybe, alarmingly, your photos causes your Facebook friend to get a nose job or a boob job or liposuction or--oddly--a chin implant or maybe even calf implants. (I saw this show once about a guy who looked at too many photos of himself and decided to get calf implants so he'd look better on the beach. At the end, he looked exactly the same, but tireder. You know, because he couldn't WALK.)
This "no photos" rule does not apply to children under the age of five or your parents. Or animals. Animals are always acceptable. (Although if you are a cat person, you might want to rethink this.) Also okay are landscapes and scenery and Catholic school class photographs from Grades K through 8, braces and headgear and all, because face it, we've all been there.
But no photographs from the delivery room!!! Keep the mystery of childbirth between you and your medical team and just show me the Jackie O shot from outside the hospital. OUTSIDE. Please. Really.
That night, I came home from the bar and I did something I've only done to an old friend from childhood who was in a terrible accident in his 20s that left him with nothing to do all day but ask me to play Farmville:
I blocked my Facebook stalker from seeing anything on my Facebook wall.
But before I did, I checked out his wall, just to understand the difference between him and me really. Because deep down, I don't think people are all that different, really.
His wall is full of photos of himself. Lots of them. Lots and lots of pictures of just him.