No, I won't watch your bag for you...: No, I Won't Follow You Back on Twitter.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

No, I Won't Follow You Back on Twitter.

Because your profile talks about you in the third person. Or you are a "serial entrepreneur." Or you talk about your cats a lot. Maybe it's because you think "a lot" is one word and "cannot" is two words and, well, you were never quite paying attention when someone taught you the difference between "it's" and "its," were you?

You are an expert in SEO, SEM, and SMM. (SMM's a new one for me. Had to look that up.) Or yoga. (Sorry.) Or vegan-ism.

You want to "make friends." Or "find love." Or "share experiences."

#You #talk #like #this.

You can has fun.

Maybe you promise, "I follow back!" Or "Make money online!" or "Work from home!" Sometimes, you "direct message" me these things. I am, apparently, overlooking a MAJOR opportunity to make a living with Twitter. And Facebook. And YouTube. And LinkedIn. With an Internet entrepreneur with business know-how who will help me become a professional blogger and quit my day-job. Overnight. Overnight!!!

You like to watch TV and tweet @GetGlue check-ins. While you are watching CSI Miami. Or Law & Order. Or any TV show that's been on for 10 years or more.

Or any TV show, really.

ALL YOU TWEET IS $%!#@* @4sq CHECK-INS. From your BUS STOP. Or the gas station. Or your bedroom.

You are the Mayor of Your Mother-F*cking Pants. (Actually, that's quite funny. But still.)

You "muse." I hate musing. And musings. Let me ask you this, my new Twitter friend: do you really have this much time? Because I could really use some help around the house. I don't mind if you muse while you're at it.

You are an Award Winning/Expert/Author/Founder/CEO/Motivational Speaker/Consultant/Strategist. Or perhaps you are my "source for (insert something I really don't want to know about here)."

You talk about #truth. Or #life. Or #Jesus.

I didn't realize Jesus needed a hashtag.

You use :) or ;) or maybe :_( A LOT. All the time, actually. (Have you considered medication? It can help. Really.)

And you lie. Oh how you lie!

Because you do not live where you say you do. And that is not your photo. (Or maybe it is your photo, 10 years and 100 lbs ago.) And the closest you've ever come to being an entrepreneur is when you were 12 and sold chocolate bars at the train station for charity. Two boxes, that. And you've never made any money online either, really. Like ever.

1 comment:

The Wine RamblerApril 5, 2012 at 5:33 PM
That's a little harsh. But it is also very true. Combined that makes it quite amusing!
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About the Author

My name is Krista. I write another blog called PassportDelicious.com. It's about food, mainly. And travel. My friends keep asking me when I'm going to write my novel. I can't commit to a novel. Who has that much time? But I can start another blog.

I call this blog "No, I won't watch your bag for you...and you can't borrow a pen either" because I really won't watch your bag for you (unless I know you) and I don't believe in loaning pens.

People especially always seem to ask me to watch their bags for them in airports and I always run away, thinking, "Did you not get the memo???"

My goal is to publish something every Sunday. Sometimes that will happen. Sometimes it won't.

If you think my writing is interesting, please tell someone. Multiple people would be nice. Perhaps you could tell some literary agents? And publishers even?

Otherwise, I really will have to pay my parents back for my English major.

If you want to contact me, you can.

Last thing. I made a New Year's resolution to write 52 stories in 2012. Hence while you will often see me date posts March and April, etc. even though it's July. Cuz you know, I'm a little bit behind.